Tea, Cake, and Doctor Who.

Hello! I wanted to get my old posts off my frontpage, as they are from a time I am, thankfully, now beyond.
Since my last post, I have been what many would call an "anorexia success story", becoming hugely chubby but hugely happy in my self! Its awesome, I suppose, that I can look back on the girl I used to be and think "hmm. Fun times, but thank goodness you are behind me!"

This is a total quickie post, as I am majorly used to typing in tumblrspeak, a language notorious for its short sharp sentences and numerous animated gifs. I find the language there comfortable to my uneducated brain!

Anyway, I will, no doubt, post a full rambling update as soon as I can be bothered, but until then.. monkeys! :)

This post is going to be a quickie, as I have about 5 minutes between work and family time to write this up!

My goal for this week was to write a post a day looking at different factors relating to ED, but in reality, I have to face it that it will not be possible.
Last night, I stayed at school working until 5pm, got home at 5.30, worked until 6.30, checked emails, then went offline for the night.
Tonight, I got home, worked, worked a bit more, and came on here to work! I'm having to realise that while this is important to me, right now, I need to work. I don't have the time to make this a priority this week. While in my head, ED never goes away, for this week, journaling ED may have to be moved aside! I also go away this weekend for a rather terrifying weekend away with school, the fears related to which I may journal about, haha!

So, to be realistic. This week? Not going to happen. But next week? I am going to make it happen. I will have more time on my hands (hello, no more coursework!), and more willing. Right now, I feel crushed by the work. Heres hoping next week, I wont!
So, ladles & jellyspoons. Watch out for next monday, with a focus on the HISTORY OF ED. It'll be amazing, trust me.

Hope you have a fab week, and keep rolling.

Love,

Madeleine.
xxxxxx

While I know i've yet to respond to comments and things, I am going to respond post-breakfast&homework as a treat for writing my german essay. Urgh, german essay..
But this post needs to be written now, otherwise i'll forget, for I am MEMORY-LIKE-A -SIEVE -GIRL! (tm)

This upcoming week beyond today is (in America at least), National Eating Disorders Association awareness week, and in honour of it, I plan on posting an ED-related journal every night for a week, looking at all different aspects of food-related disorders, from recovery to history.
I may throw in some personal stuff, but for the most part, I will be taking an objective viewpoint, presenting the facts - the interesting tidbits I find during my research this upcoming week. Call me a dork, but finding out the science behind this stuff is incredibly fun, and very comforting, as finding logic in such an illogical illness is wonderful.

Tomorrow, I will be starting at the beginning, looking at the history of ED: where it first began, where it rose in popularity, and the current developing disorders in our decade, right now.
Its going to (hopefully!) be an insightful and interesting week, and I can't wait to get writing! :)


For the record, yesterday I received a letter from CAMHS (child and adolescent mental health services) with regards to my referral. They've looked at my case, and they're going to give it further consideration before deciding how to progress. I'm hoping that this time they actually do take me seriously, and that this does get progressed, as I feel I really need the help right now - had the woman I saw first done her job properly in October, chances are I wouldn't be in my current position. I can't afford to let it get any worse, as my future is too good to be tainted by ED.

Heres to an interesting, illuminating and.. iiii... .... fun (>.>) week! :)

 

Madeleine

xxxxx

While I have no active desire to post right now, I feel almost obliged to, which, I suppose, counts as a desire? Pshh, whatever. I'll post. I've got stuff I want to write about, haha.
.. Odd, how that sentence started off as 'not wanting to post', and ended with 'yeah, I want to post!'

...

Moving on.

Its pancake day. Its February half term. Its a pretty fucking big memorial in terms of ED for me.
This time last year, I was heavily doing diet pills. Heavily. I spent a day in Leicester with friends, salad for lunch, donut for binging, 5 diet pills later, I sat in Market Harborough train station wishing I had a gag reflex, then didn't sleep all night. Arose to a heaving, churning stomach and proceeded to stay inside all day, feeling self-loathing, and avoiding dinner.
I remember how diet pills used to be my crux. If i'd "failed" that day, they were my salvation. It didn't MATTER that i'd overeaten (and back then, overeating WAS overeating), the diet pills would make it go away. And then they'd stop the overeating from happen. I used them as a method to gain control, because I felt out of it. It was a dark week, and until recently i'd never told anyone about it, but then I did. And it felt better. Doesn't make the week any less dark, and I can still feel the nausea I felt during that sleepless night. Perhaps I should do something to mark it? Haha, yeah right. I went to Leicester yesterday and deliberately averted my eyes from both pizza hut and greggs, and declined the suggestion to travel by train. Weak shmeak, I am not going back there again.

Life seems to be revolving around ED at the minute, and its really uncool. Well, I say "at the minute".. "the minute" is no different to the past YEAR, to be pretty freaking honest with you. It never stops. You can just STOP smoking. You can go cold turkey on the booze. You can give up chocolate, but you can't give up food altogether. If I had the energy, and wasn't aware that you'd all be sick of this, i'd post a blog about hating ED almost every single day. ED can fuck off. Its a bitch, and a friend I wish i'd never invited to the party that is my life. It absorbs you like a black hole, and leaves you a wreck, struggling to force yourself to have 25g of oats instead of 24g, before failing and compromising at 23g. I say 'failing'.. i'm not going to lie, it felt like a victory. It felt oh so wonderful, really. I'd recommend it if it wasn't so self destructive.
I feel like i'm attracting people with food issues like a magnet. Everyone I talk to seems to want to lose weight, and be doing it in a destructive way. Its like.. well, a machine gun in terms of triggers. I suppose I don't MIND, as it gives me someone to vent to about weight, and food, and unhealthy things, but on the other hand, it makes me scared that I might pass on my own crazies. This morning, a dear friend was speaking to me, sounding like myself when I first started losing weight. It terrified me. I wanted to scream to the heavens to STOP. STOP WHILE YOU STILL CAN. ITS NOT WORTH IT!, but couldn't. I just sat there, feeling sick to my stomach, wanting to ditch my breakfast.
Victory: I didn't. I still ate. If anything, i've eaten lots today. I had a snack! It made me feel better, actually. It seems my body has gone beyond hunger, and is now making me feel dizzy and lightheaded in order to grab my attention. Hey, i'm not complaining. It worked! I ate.
But it probably wont happen again. I feel like.. "I c whut u did thar.. i be ignorin it nao" - successful, right?

Another victory: I had noodled at wagamama for lunch yesterday. I enjoyed it.
I ALMOST skipped dinner because of it. Key word here: ALMOST. Key expression: I DIDN'T.
I wanted to laugh and cry. It would take a loong post to explain that emotion, but its true. Maybe i'll write that post in time?

Anyway, pancakes. Yes, sorry, got distracted.
I wont be eating pancakes tonight. Last year, I had pancakes alone, with my dad. Pancake day is not my favourite foodie holiday. I say that ironically, as any holiday based around food does not tick my boxes, if you get my drift. Even pre-ED, it was never my favourite. Always rushed, and always just a method to eat until one felt sick, before dashing off to Brownies or whatever. 
Post-pancakes, comes Lent. Where we're all told to give up chocolate or unhealthies, before making up for it when easter rolls around. This is not happening in my life, as I have nothing left to 'give up', as my mother rather eloquently put it the other day. Inner me is screaming to use it as an excuse to give up, well, everything. Give up dried fruit, honey, jam, peanut butter, marmite, cottage cheese, meat, milk, bread, carbs, fish, yoghurt.. pretty much anything that ISN'T a vegetable. I could. God, I could. It would feel good. I've given up dried fruit in my diet anyhow - the rule has become "only eat it if you have no control over it", which isn't going to last long, as I will GET control of it. I'm actively doing it with jam, with "one serving a day" being my portion (however, today I have had 3 servings. I regret nothing, but today is 'different' - pah, as if). I've pretty much done it with meat, fish and white carbs. They're all 'unsafe', and they're EASY to cut out. EASY. Painfully so. Sometimes, I hate my self control. But sometimes is less and less often. Sometimes is, y'know, never.

I like to end posts on a positive note, but right now, I feel so STRANGE and.. well, WRONG, I don't know if I can. I suppose.. well, i've been referred to Leicester Eating Disorders Unit, so at least i'm being taken seriously, and getting some help. Success? I hope so.
Heres to the future, and to moving on. And being honest.

For the record, i'm getting the feeling my LJ may be becoming more and more about recovery / working through the mess that I have ended up in. Many of the upcoming posts will be illiterate, rambling, and probably will make no sense. I shall try to post wonderful things too, and I shall make the effort to end on something equally wonderful. Case in point:

Me, this time last year. I was a sexy, sexy, blue haired beast.

Keep rolling.

Madeleine.

xxxxx

This morning, for some reason, has been wonderful.
I'm not sure if its just me saying that to reassure myself, but I think.. it may be wonderful.

Mother is pissed off with me - as ALWAYS. I honestly feel that i've done something to upset her. What it is, I have no idea. I care, of course I care, but to be honest, her moodiness does not mean I need to take it on as MY problem. I've done it before, and hell, i'll probably do it again, but RIGHT NOW? No way jose. In fact, its probably not even my problem. I don't need the extra stress. Mother very often goes on about how she does not want to turn into my grandmother, because she comes into a room and makes it unhappy just with her mood. Well, frankly, thats what she does at the minute (or, at least, thats what I feel). This makes me even more afraid that I may turn into my mother-who-turned-into-her-mother. I think its a common fear: that we gain our parents worst personality traits, or that we ARE our parents. I felt the same about my father, and, as I activitely dislike the man, this understandably scares me. But, as my counsellor said, we are NOT them. We are US. I. Me. Maddy, not Anne or Mark, or even Anne & Mark. While I can see that sometimes I can be like them, if I CAN see it, I can work to stop it. So my dad is a selfish pig. Science says that I do not need to also be a selfish pig. So my mother and grandmother are both pessimists, and turn other people's moods down when their moods are down. I'm not a pessimist, and would rather put my own moods aside in order to make others happy, because then i'm happy. It sounds nice, but really, its a selfish action. Hey, i'm cool with it. Everyones happy, win win win, right?
My counsellor would be delighted that i'm tackling this fear like this. Hell, I might stick it on my sheet for my homework. Take the fear, look at it logically. Pow. I am happy, mum is not. It is not my responsibility. No one can make me feel inferior without my consent, so I wont! I'll remain happy. If she dislikes that, that is fine, for it is not a variable that will affect the effect of this 'experiment'.

That aside, theres another point of life I want to focus on in this post. Its ironic that as I write this, an advert for 'alli' diet pills sits alongside, telling me how wonderful it is to lose weight and 'break the takeaway habit!', changing the way one thinks about food.
Pahaha. DIet pills, my old mates. Never Alli, mind. I hear they make you flush away the fat in a rather.. interesting manner. Not my cup of tea, thank you!
No, my poison was Holland & Baratt, all-natural green tea high-caffeine suckers. Gave you the jitters in geography. Wonderful.
I've not touched anything of the sort since around May, and i'm glad I haven't.
I'm gonna be honest: up until the point where I ditched the diet pills, I was a classic case of Wannarexia. Its disgusting, and incredibly offensive to me NOW, but at the time, it was true. I wanted to be thin, and thought that going ana would be the easiest way - I mean, if you can't make yourself eat, wheres the temptation? SO I did the crash diet, I did the diet pills, I did the attention seeking annoyance (Sock, I am so sorry!), and made the fuss about nothing. Where did it leave me? Well, 8lbs lighter, thats where.
I see May as the overwhelming turning point in my relationship with food. Its the month where I dropped the diet pills, dropped the regular pill (!), and dressed up as Misty to the expo. It was the month where this amazing photo was taken, and I felt my most healthy and most fabulous in a long while. I was 9 stone nothing, and loving it. Absolutely loving it. I ate sweets, cake, cookies, fruit, chocolate, pastries, marmite, brown bread, and vegetables. I was, what I would call "healthy", and HAPPY. I see that girl in the picture, and I am jealous of her. She looks fab, right?
8 months on, and i've not had a single period since that month.
8 months on, and i'm 7 stone 4.
8 months on, and I am loathe to admit that wannarexia has dropped the w.
"Theres a reason I look like this, and it aint pretty" has become the inside response when people compliment my legs.
I've been reading a LOT of recovery blogs recently, and its liberating. I see those womens words, and I can empathise with every single one of them. One in particular, I Have Issues, definitely speaks to me. Reading them makes me feel that I am not alone in the way I feel, and that accepting ED as a fact, but not as a friend, is something that can definitely help me in my future. In fact, their words have inspired this post, looking at ED from the beginning, and perhaps using LJ as a way to grapple through recovery.
But.. i'm scared. A while ago, a person told me I was being attention seeking for discussing how I felt publicly, and it has hurt me more than anything. I'm now terrified to admit that I might have an issue, as all of me SCREAMS "NO, YOU COW. YOU'RE BEING ATTENTION SEEKING. SHUT UP. YOU'RE TOO FAT TO HAVE ED. YOU EAT, SO YOU CANNOT HAVE IT", like ED is a gift that has requirements. Well, if only that was the case. Some days, yes, its a gift. Some days, when i'm too scared to touch the dinner because mum put in more fish than it said on the recipe, it is an absolute curse.
So again, i'm cutting off. I don't care if people think i'm attention seeking. Maybe this is, maybe this isn't, but it helps. It makes me feel better, and perhaps it'll help me accept that THIS IS AN ISSUE. I still cringe from the thought that I might have ED, linking back to the days where i'd look up diagnostics and match them to me. That WAS attention seeking, but.. like I said at the start. That person is not me now. We are completely different people, and my reasons for posting now are different to then. I feel like i'm repeating myself over and over again, but.. it is so hard to actually accept it. I can accept it on some level, but underneath? Hell no. Inner me does not WANT to believe the possibility.
Not just because it seems attention seeking, but because it seems like a failure for me. Me, a scientific, logical person, develop ED? Scientifically, I know being underweight / not eating isn't healthy, but, do I change it? NO. It just doesn't FIT with who I am and who I want to be. Its EMBARASSING to admit my weakness, and when I was too scared to eat the beef on Wednesday, it was humiliating.

So, tee-ell-dee-arr, i'm going to say it. It kills me to write it, and every fibre of my being wants to erase it and not post, but.. changing habits is what will fix this.

I like cake, and still eat it. Sometimes, my diet seems 'normal'. This does not make my condition any 'better' or 'less valid'. I am not ashamed of my cake eating, and would happily eat it daily. And this sounds like i'm trying to justify myself, and, I suppose, gets out my fears of not being valid for the label. I should erase this, but i'm leaving it. Accountability, and all that. I feel the need to explain why I eat cake and still have an eating disorder. Fearing the judging of others is human, and.. again with the justifying. Screw it.



My name is Maddy, and I have an eating disorder. And it is a bitch.

Thankyou.

xxxxx

So i've decided that maybe posting more will help me feel better, or just feel different, or perhaps it would just be a good idea? I've started writing this post with no intent, and I fear its showing. But hey ho! I feel like writing: maybe thats enough of an intent? Oh god, i'm in rhetorical question territory. Don't you find that so annoying? *slapped*

For some reason today i've been infinitely HUNGRYYY. I have eaten SO MUCH today. Breakfast had both raisins AND cranberries with 2 apples AND a pear  & banana, lunch had a relatively calorific (176! soup with ryvieta, salad and seeds followed by 2 fruit (!), I had a snack (!!!), and i'm STILL kinda hungry / empty! I don't know whats changed. Perhaps the meat I had yesterday? I've not eaten meat in over a week now, and I think my body has become used to the vegetarian lifestyle.
To be honest, this week without meat has been so much nicer. I feel so much cleaner and better, and my digestive system has been a lot quicker and more efficient. I think this following week may have to follow suit, with less meat / dairy, more vegetables. It just makes me feel happier. I am definitely certain that I want to become vegan / vegetarian upon moving out. Makes me feel CLEAN and FRESH and HEALTHY and GODDESS-like!
Also, cooking for myself has been AMAZING. I've been able to eat my favourite foods! Lots of quinoa and beans and healthy fresh vegetables! For one day, I had a butternut squash for my tea, and NO ONE COULD TELL ME OFF for not having any carbs / protein. It felt HEAVENLY. Walking round tesco with my trolley to pick up my own groceries made me feel kind of cool, as I knew that most teenagers in my position would have a cart full of pot noodles and sweets, but I had a cart full to the brim with vegetables, a pack of quinoa, a carton of soy milk and a doctor who magazine! Haha! :D

On the hungry front, it makes me feel horrible and fat, like I shouldn't be eating it, or that its all in my head. Perhaps, however, I should rock out to it? This morning I was 7 stone 3-and-a-half, and when I was in the bath, my legs looked a bit more bony than normal. I had more bruises, and my rib cage felt a bit.. pokey. In the cold, perhaps eating more is just what i need. I do tend to sit around in a constant freezing little ball, attempting to find ways to warm up rather desperately! It goes against all of my inclinations, and, trust me, I could write a BOOK on how difficult it is to make myself accept that I need to eat more. I think I might do a post dedicated to that in the future, it would probably help and make it a lot clearer to both myself and others as to just HOW my head works. I like that idea. I'll pop it on my to-do list, methinks. When I feel the need, I will! :)

This post is so unsyncronised and random. I like that. Instead of a post with a plan, its a post that has the notion that maybe a plan is somewhere in the future, but for now is perfectly happy to dither about in abscence of a plan, minding its own business. I feel deep affection towards this post. I like feeling this way.

TV this week is exciting. We have the triumphant return of BEING HUMAN tonight, which is going to be good fun. Before it, theres Lark Rise, which is definitely going to brighten up my Sunday - I really hate Sundays, they're so empty. This will make me feel more excited about Sundays, which then lead on to the inevitable Monday!
UPON WHICH THERE IS GLEE. AJDGSJDHBS. GLEE. GLEE. GLEEEEEEEEEE. <3<3<3
Also, later this week we have the conclusion of Generation XXL and My Big Fat Diet Show! Call me a nutter, but I do love shows about weight loss / nutrition. I find them sickeningly facsinating to watch.
Along with this, we have a Horizon special on viruses, which I am looking forward to: science shows are my bread and butter, as it were!
AND THEN... out of the darkness, in the future.. comes WHO. Hooboy. Updates to follow as more news emerges, no doubt. Another future post there. :)

Anyway, i've gone on far too long, and have been rambling a bit. It was fun to write, and I think i'll write more. When the notion grabs me though. Tonight I wrote because I felt like writing for writing's sake, and it was fun, if purposeless. Next time, i'll write when I get the urge. I've had the urge this week, but not the time. I think I was trying to capture the urge, but I forgot what my previous urges were about. Next week, if I fancy writing, i'll just leave inhibitions behind (and by 'inhibitions', I mean feeling that I need to respond to comments before i'm allowed to write another post. ._. I'm such a lazy bum. Replying to comments scares me, and makes me feel daunted. I feel so honoured to get such amazing quality, amazingly speedy responses, and I LOVE THEM AND YOU CHARK, I just feel scared that my responses should be amazing in return, so I procrastinate. Haha, THERES another topic to write about!! I'm so sorry, Chark. I love you. I love you. I love you!), and just write it.
If that means 3 posts a day, so be it. :)

Because I think i'd quite like to have a little quizzy thing at the end of each post to mark where I am.. here!

Weekly obsessions:
Consumables: Soymilk / Quinoa / Butternut Squash!
Music: Chameleon Circuit / Glee (!!!!)
General: DOCTOR WHO. Nomnomnomnomnom.
+
Science. Because chemistry is kick-ass. :)

Whoa, 2 posts in 2 days! Wow, I am genuinely a bus. Har-de-har.

My new years post the other day wasn't really very genuine, to be honest. Its a lovely list of things I want to do, but, I have to face up to the fact that when I wrote it, my heart was in no way in it. I think I was pretending to myself that I was happy and that everything was okay.

Well, i'm not. And its not.

Right now, I am fucking terrified. I am so scared for 2010. I have massive exams, and massive things coming up, and I don't feel ready. Right now, I feel pretty freaking lost. I know I want to go into science and be happy and do well, and I know how to get there, but right now, I feel that my path is fogged up, and that, while my overall goals lie at the top of the ladder, at present, I can't see where the next rung is.
Its all very well preaching to others that 'resolutions get you nowhere', and that you need 'tangible goals if you want to make any difference', but it is another thing to put it into practise in my own life.

For me, my plan was, and is, as follows:
Study hard,
Take exams,
Pass exams with all As and A*s,
Take Chemistry, Physics, Maths & Further Maths at AS + A2 Level
Pass exams, hopefully with As and A*s,
Go to university, preferably Oxford, Cambridge or Imperial, studying Physics,
Do Bachelors,
Do Masters,
Do Doctorate,
Write further plan.

But heres the thing, i'm stuck. Right between the moment, now, sat on my computer in the kitchen at quarter to two on a January Monday, and studying hard. I can see where my studying will lead me, I just cant FEEL it right now. Right now, I feel lost. I rested so much hope and relief upon the festive season, and now its gone, I don't quite know what to do or how to do it, let alone what 'it' is.

In writing this, it makes the whole thing a lot clearer. I'm fairly open with the fact that I have OCD. Hell, it helps with being a scientist, and means that I can see the logical steps between where I am now, and where I want to be. It means that I can have a routine, and stick to it.
But it also means that when my routine is shaken, I can't function. I go off my well-worn and strongly welded rails, and spin my wheels in earnest, but to no avail. Like an upturned beetle flailing on the ground.
With food, with sleep, with TV schedules, with computer hours, with washing, with the amount I read, with homework, with everything. I weigh and I measure and I put it into boxes and lists: I like it that way.

Normally this works for me: I can get on with work, and I can easily achieve my goals.
Right now, however, my life is in disarray. My brother went into hospital on Sunday night, following a smack on the head on New Years Eve, which resulted in him being in hospital overnight. The pain worsened, and he returned. My parents have been in and out of hospital, and i've been up and down and all over the place. My diet is mucked around, and my mother decided that I should stay home today. I feel totally lost and afraid, and completely out of control: its a nightmare.
I feel fat, I feel afraid, I feel useless, I feel stupid, I feel lost, I feel like a child, I feel selfish, I feel inconsiderate, I feel frumpy, I feel ugly, I feel lonely, and more than anything, I feel out of control.

Perhaps, though, I need to find something to grab onto and use to help me put things back into control. Very often, I would do this with food: restrictions to make me feel happy, exercising, numbers, lists, organising, goals, whatever. But, if i'm honest, thats not viable. Scientifically, I know that losing any more weight would be stupid, and would mean my science goal would be rendered unobtainable. I want with all my heart just to do that, as it would be the easy option: the barriers are already set up, I could just strengthen them. Bish Bash Bosh.
But not this time. This time, I don't want to lose weight or restrict. If anything, I could do with gaining a few lbs, for my health, to ensure that I can pass my exams, to make sure I get to Ecuador this summer.
So, instead, perhaps I could write here when I feel like it, to get things out of my heard, to list them down, to take control. I already feel the benefit of this writing.
Maybe I could find something to work towards, and a reward at the end of it. I've always done it: baby steps, little goals, work towards it, succeed, next goal. I think, with the pilaver with my brother, I have lost this, and am only just finding it again right now, upon my little LiveJournal!

Okay, this is me, fixing up. My next big trial are my science exams on the 14th, 20th and 22nd. I need to get my head down and work for them, and I can do it: I did it in the mocks without excess trouble. I know the stuff, i've got the ability, I understand the concepts.
Once they're done, I think.. well, perhaps I shall indulge myself. A third piercing, perhaps? (I already have one on each ear!) Maybe i'll "let myself" bake a cake or pudding for that weekend, I just need to make it tangible.
I can do this, its in my power, my control. I just need to realise it and move on. I'm not keen on January with all of its faux-joviality and new starts that last but a day, but perhaps I can ignore the fact that everyone else seems to be doing the same on the outside, and just.. do it for myself.
If it makes me happy, then its worth doing. So i'll do it. I'll study hard, i'll pray for my brother, and he will get better - he's my brother, of corse he can, - and then i'll ace my exams. Then on Friday the 22nd of January, i'll celebrate. When, a few months later, the results come out, i'll get my reward: A*s, across the board. I can do it, I know I can. Just needed a kick up the arse. So..

Here goes.

... take my GCSE exams, and ace them.
... go to Ecuador for a month, go trekking and help build an orphanage.
... give up milk in my tea.
... stop chewing gum.
... lose 1lb.
... watch the new series of Doctor Who, and love it.
... read. A lot.
... finish reading H.P Lovecraft's Necronomicon.
... get rid of eating disorder, and start 'eating normally' again.
... keep in contact with old friends.
... look left and right before crossing the road.
... turn 17.
... celebrate Easter without eating a single piece of chocolate.
... see the next Harry Potter movie.
... try a new food.
... laugh.
... love.
... brush my teeth every night and every morning.
... learn to knit.
... bake vegan cupcakes.
... bake peanut butter cookies.
... eat more peanut butter.
... bake bread.
... smile.
... change people's lives.
... work.
... be changed in return.
... visit London.
... live.

What will you do this year? :)

1. Learn to knit.
2. Proceed to use new skills in knitting to create several lovely, yet totally useless, creations.
3. Bake a cake. Preferably sponge with jam in it.
4. Distribute cake. Perhaps eat some cake. Perhaps give it to old people. Trade it for murray mints.
5. Eat scones.
6. Find crumpets.
7. Cook crumpets.
8. Butter crumpets.
9. Eat crumpets.
10. Find creative usages for marmite. Marmite wool?
11. Knit sweater from marmite wool.
12. Eat sweater.
13. Buy retro sweets from market. Keep in paper bags. Distribute accordingly.
14. Go to library.
15. Read sufficiently lovely books.
16. Bring home books.
17. Make tea.
18. Read books while drinking tea.
19. Visit grandmother. Bring cake.
20. Make a spectacular egg sandwich.
21. Write a story.
22. Go for a lovely walk with the dog.
23. Wear a pretty summer dress.
24. Have delightfully fresh orange juice concoction.
25. Take a bath, with bubbles.
26. Pick flowers for people.
27. Consume entire jar of marmite.
28. Play piano.
29. Listen to jazz.
30. Smile.

 HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!!!!

<3